I’ve spent the last few months trying to figure out the answer to the question: “How do I move on?” A friend recently pointed out that it’s not “moving on” but rather “living on” that I have to figure out how to do.
I’m still trying to figure out what the difference between those are but I think that’s part of what it takes to come back from losing a spouse. For me, part of living on is finding myself again – I let myself disappear into my marriage and my relationship with my wife. I know that it’s in my personality to put myself last and I imagine that is a large part of why I let myself be defined by my marriage and by her. Now I’ve got to learn how to put myself back into my own list of priorities. I have to figure out who I am all over again.
It occurred to me over the past several days that I really don’t know myself as well as I think I do. Even three months after her passing I still define myself by her. I realized that I still do a lot of the things we would do together, at least those I can do alone anyway. I wonder who I really am and what it is I really want and need because I just don’t know any more. Some of this realization comes from reading the various writings of Abel Keogh and seeing a few of the patterns and red flags he talks about in myself.
I’ve made a decision, the reason I’m writing this post, to pursue my definition for a while. I’m going to take some time to understand why I am were I am at the moment and exactly what it is that makes me who I am. I also plan to read Room for Two in hopes that it will help me find those things in myself that I have to specifically define and maybe get someone else’s view on what it means to live on. I don’t know how long this will take but I hope for the sake of certain people it doesn’t take very long at all.
